Sins of the Father (I)

"No temptation has overtaken you except which is common to mankind. And God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV)

There was still roof above my head, so I laid on the floor and kept staring at it. I thought of food and its cost, and what it takes to pay it. I thought of dignity and valor, and of honest living and how far from reality they are. I thought of love, trust, friends and all other wrong investments of emotions. I tried to sell a clean soul to the dirty hands and now I lay on the floor, staring at the roof surrounded by the stink of liquor and vomit. 

I heard his footsteps coming upstairs, the hammering sound of his boots. The lighting stroked and the dark room trembled. I kept lying on the floor bare, paralyzed, and wounded. His footsteps were getting closer and closer. He banged the door open and walked in the dark room, his black rob flying behind him like a thick dark rain cloud chasing a storm. He walked straight up to me and sat on the floor. He said nothing. He looked around the dark room, sniffed the ugly stink, I watched his expressions of disgust and it made me laugh, a venomous laughter.

Harry smiled and his pointed teeth sparkled in the darkness. He stared at me for a while and said: “so, here we are again”.

I turned my head to look at him and the slight movement caused my blood to rush faster to the wounds, to freedom. 

I said: “What do we do now Harry. What do we do?”

He leaned over me, staring me in the eyes, bringing his face closer to mine breathing in my breath. His clever eyes shined the shine of victory, the sparkle of triumph and cleverness. 

  

He said: “Look at you, you delicate little human”. His calloused hands caressed my bare arm. “Look, what they have done to you, those you … trusted and loved and blah blah blah” He paused to take a breath, more like a sigh. “Where all your stinky little values and principles have brought you ... haaanh… in this pool of your own blood and puke?”.  His words full of hate and mockery. 

I tried to lift my head to answer him but it made the breathing more difficult, I coughed, struggled to breathe.

He said ”Hey, easy easy easy. You are going to kill yourself. Take it easy. I am here, I am right here with you”

Lying close to death I laughed. “Yes… You are here, yes you are. So” … I coughed fought to breathe “So what do we do now Harry. What is it that brings you to me out of all the billion others”.

He smiled “You know baby girl, you have always had my attention. I see in you what they don’t” He stopped and pointed at the sky. “And He doesn’t”.  He stopped to wet his lips with his tongue. “You, my little child, you are capable of wonders. I have seen you grow up, I have been with you throughout the time since the moment you opened your eyes, I have never …. Never left you alone. No, not even for a minute. And did I ever ask you for anything in return? Did I ask you to come bow to me, do the halleluiah, sing me a hymn or kneel before me? Did I? Never….”

I pulled all my strength and said “So, this charity of yours. Is it like…like an NGO or something for abandoned dogs, my kind?”

He laughed hysterically. “See, this is why I adore you. You are the best of the lot. So strong, so brave, so….so.. free. No strings, nothing holding you back but yourself. Let me tell you this” He wiped his lips with his tongue again and came closer, looking me in the eyes “If only, you could let yourself go, set it free You will reach the heights that no one , no soul has ever reached before. You have all that it takes; you have everything and no limits, no chains. Give yourself to me. Yes, it’s just a little I ask of you, and I will give you the entire world under your feet. You will Rule. Trust me; I am as good as my words”.

I smirked “Trust you? Really? Look at me Harry, look at me, didn’t it occur to you I am done trusting. Why don’t you cut the crap and tell me what you want?”

He lowered his voice “What I want? ... I want to save you” running his fingers in my hair. “I want you to be stronger, I want to heal you. Why is it that you are always giving, giving and giving and when you need there is no one to give you as much as a word of kindness? Why does it has to be you who is always the victim?  Your choices are clear honey, choose… be the slave or the master. There is nothing between that, nothing.”

I took a deep breath and looked at the roof again; it was still there where it was. I said calmly “Harry, you know all I wanted; all I ever wanted was to be a shepherd. No big dreams just few sheep grazing in the vast green pastures while I sit under a tree and read a book” 

Harry jumped “Shepherd? You got to be kidding me. You know what you are, you know who you are. Do you think that you can walk out of all this like a hobo? “Sheep” for hell’s sake.” He leered and said cunningly “you know there is this tale about the sins of the father”

I cut him “don’t talk to me about the father shit Harry.”

He went quite for a while. He looked away, staring at some far distant invisible horizon. “Hurts, I know it hurts. I shouldn’t have brought up the father stuff. But it hurts me too. I was abandoned, just like you and my father never took me back home. He left me alone, just like you in the middle of the jungle to fight with the hyenas, fox and vultures on my own. I had no one and I went through this” he pointed his hand at me, my bruised and bleeding body. “I know you don’t like me much, but trust me, I am the only one who can feel your pain”.

I closed my eyes “I am tired Harry. I am tired. Why don’t you take your pity ass somewhere else?”

Harry whispered “I can’t leave you. How can I? You…You are the purpose of my existence. You, make me who I am. You make me “Harry”. Tell me; what will I do without you or … or… what will your so called ‘God’ do without you? Nothing… Nothing else to do. I will wait. I will wait”.