Prisoner of The Night

The night is moonless, not a single star in the sky. I look up at the darkness and think of the constellations. It was months ago when I looked up at the sky, holding a lantern in my hand. The light filled me up that night, the kind moonlight. I think of Moses and how he must have felt walking up the mountain of Sinai. The wholeness, the satiation, the joy of the one who found a secret pathway to heavens. I was dazzled by the light when the night quietly, tenderly crawled in my veins and began to flow, the night of the 25^th.

I walk under the moonless sky and think of that night, its very thought strums my heart and all I hear is shrieks, no words, no thoughts, no visions just waves of pains pushing the tears to shore. 

It grew in me like a vine, spreading everywhere. It covered my thinking like a cloud. The days began to revolve around it, my existence was fading and the night was taking over, unaware I laid under the sky marveling the constellation, Orion.  

The night secretly continued stealing the stars. The sky was turning dark while unaware, besotted I danced the dance of joy.

“The dancers dance,

Tapping their toes,

tip tap tip, tip tap tip

The singers sing,

the melody echoes,

The orchestra plays,

The notes go high,

and low and high

till the dancers are the song,

the singers are the music,

merging into one

another

and all !

the cries, the claps,

the cheers, the tears,

the pain, the pleasures……..”

I danced and danced and the night kept stealing the stars, robbing the sky off its glittering hopes. That night, I laid under a shady tree, in the kind moonlight; I fell asleep like a child in her mother’s lap.

When I woke up, the moon had faded into darkness. The storms uprooted the last of the shady trees and the ground under my feet was barren.

Words lost, thoughts blank

I turned to Prayers

And found them mute

I ran to angels

And found them deaf

I searched my heart

Every nook and corner

I looked and looked and looked for him

My God was Gone!

My God was Gone...

The thirst, the unquenchable thirst. 

The night ran through my veins and took over my soul; all I can see is the darkness wrapped around a moonless sky, robbed off the moon and the stars. 

I walk for miles; I fall and walk again searching for the morning star in the stretch of night but everything I touch turns into darkness, merging into the night. I walk miles and miles, my feet blistered and my lips parched but the night has no end and no beginning to return to.
The Sinai of Moses is burned.  

The Forgotten

The loud silence of a broken heart

A thousand wordless thoughts …

Dreams, frozen in time

Sunken deep in the ocean’s bottom

A treasure meant to be lost.
 

The Giver

The sacred heart knows no trade, no boundaries, no conditions

Don’t question the one who loves for love, not needs, wants or reasons.  

What treasure’s worth? To the greed-less one

What wealth would mean to him who takes none?

How full hands can match the power, the strength of empty hands?

What slavery of golden shackles to the freedom, the freedom in having nothing?

What is ‘desire’ to the sated soul? What reality to the one asleep?

What cure for the ill, who wants no cure? What remedy to the sick, who wants no health?

What separation to those whose soul is one? What distance to the traveler of time?

What present to the dweller of memories means? What absence to the ones never gone?

What more will he seek? who found his peace. What he will take who is the giver?

For Love, if true is sated and full, Selfless yet sovereign.

To Love

Condemn the heart for it is guilty and chain the words inside

Fight with love, a battle fierce. Show the beast no mercy

Fight a war meant to be lost, but don’t hand your foe a win

For in this war no side wins, there is but loss, no victory

Breed a pain, nurture it well, too dear to lose to joys

See the world with eyes closed, to seek the vanished peace

Grow a vine strange, which bears the fruits to else

Feed it on your hunger to grow, and your thirst to spread.

Sins of the Father (I)

"No temptation has overtaken you except which is common to mankind. And God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted he will also provide a way out so you can endure it." (1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV)

There was still roof above my head, so I laid on the floor and kept staring at it. I thought of food and its cost, and what it takes to pay it. I thought of dignity and valor, and of honest living and how far from reality they are. I thought of love, trust, friends and all other wrong investments of emotions. I tried to sell a clean soul to the dirty hands and now I lay on the floor, staring at the roof surrounded by the stink of liquor and vomit. 

I heard his footsteps coming upstairs, the hammering sound of his boots. The lighting stroked and the dark room trembled. I kept lying on the floor bare, paralyzed, and wounded. His footsteps were getting closer and closer. He banged the door open and walked in the dark room, his black rob flying behind him like a thick dark rain cloud chasing a storm. He walked straight up to me and sat on the floor. He said nothing. He looked around the dark room, sniffed the ugly stink, I watched his expressions of disgust and it made me laugh, a venomous laughter.

Harry smiled and his pointed teeth sparkled in the darkness. He stared at me for a while and said: “so, here we are again”.

I turned my head to look at him and the slight movement caused my blood to rush faster to the wounds, to freedom. 

I said: “What do we do now Harry. What do we do?”

He leaned over me, staring me in the eyes, bringing his face closer to mine breathing in my breath. His clever eyes shined the shine of victory, the sparkle of triumph and cleverness. 

  

He said: “Look at you, you delicate little human”. His calloused hands caressed my bare arm. “Look, what they have done to you, those you … trusted and loved and blah blah blah” He paused to take a breath, more like a sigh. “Where all your stinky little values and principles have brought you ... haaanh… in this pool of your own blood and puke?”.  His words full of hate and mockery. 

I tried to lift my head to answer him but it made the breathing more difficult, I coughed, struggled to breathe.

He said ”Hey, easy easy easy. You are going to kill yourself. Take it easy. I am here, I am right here with you”

Lying close to death I laughed. “Yes… You are here, yes you are. So” … I coughed fought to breathe “So what do we do now Harry. What is it that brings you to me out of all the billion others”.

He smiled “You know baby girl, you have always had my attention. I see in you what they don’t” He stopped and pointed at the sky. “And He doesn’t”.  He stopped to wet his lips with his tongue. “You, my little child, you are capable of wonders. I have seen you grow up, I have been with you throughout the time since the moment you opened your eyes, I have never …. Never left you alone. No, not even for a minute. And did I ever ask you for anything in return? Did I ask you to come bow to me, do the halleluiah, sing me a hymn or kneel before me? Did I? Never….”

I pulled all my strength and said “So, this charity of yours. Is it like…like an NGO or something for abandoned dogs, my kind?”

He laughed hysterically. “See, this is why I adore you. You are the best of the lot. So strong, so brave, so….so.. free. No strings, nothing holding you back but yourself. Let me tell you this” He wiped his lips with his tongue again and came closer, looking me in the eyes “If only, you could let yourself go, set it free You will reach the heights that no one , no soul has ever reached before. You have all that it takes; you have everything and no limits, no chains. Give yourself to me. Yes, it’s just a little I ask of you, and I will give you the entire world under your feet. You will Rule. Trust me; I am as good as my words”.

I smirked “Trust you? Really? Look at me Harry, look at me, didn’t it occur to you I am done trusting. Why don’t you cut the crap and tell me what you want?”

He lowered his voice “What I want? ... I want to save you” running his fingers in my hair. “I want you to be stronger, I want to heal you. Why is it that you are always giving, giving and giving and when you need there is no one to give you as much as a word of kindness? Why does it has to be you who is always the victim?  Your choices are clear honey, choose… be the slave or the master. There is nothing between that, nothing.”

I took a deep breath and looked at the roof again; it was still there where it was. I said calmly “Harry, you know all I wanted; all I ever wanted was to be a shepherd. No big dreams just few sheep grazing in the vast green pastures while I sit under a tree and read a book” 

Harry jumped “Shepherd? You got to be kidding me. You know what you are, you know who you are. Do you think that you can walk out of all this like a hobo? “Sheep” for hell’s sake.” He leered and said cunningly “you know there is this tale about the sins of the father”

I cut him “don’t talk to me about the father shit Harry.”

He went quite for a while. He looked away, staring at some far distant invisible horizon. “Hurts, I know it hurts. I shouldn’t have brought up the father stuff. But it hurts me too. I was abandoned, just like you and my father never took me back home. He left me alone, just like you in the middle of the jungle to fight with the hyenas, fox and vultures on my own. I had no one and I went through this” he pointed his hand at me, my bruised and bleeding body. “I know you don’t like me much, but trust me, I am the only one who can feel your pain”.

I closed my eyes “I am tired Harry. I am tired. Why don’t you take your pity ass somewhere else?”

Harry whispered “I can’t leave you. How can I? You…You are the purpose of my existence. You, make me who I am. You make me “Harry”. Tell me; what will I do without you or … or… what will your so called ‘God’ do without you? Nothing… Nothing else to do. I will wait. I will wait”.

The Author

I crossed the hallway, though I was walking but I felt I was the only static object in the scene. The windows and doors went passing by, I was static but I found myself there, standing at the door of the dark room.

The cloud in my head kept breathing in the corner for days and days, feeble breathing that I heard but ignored, a tiny growth.  But then, the vapors multiplied before I could do anything they were far too many, crawling out of my brain, filling up my ears, spreading over my eyes. I feared, when it gets all foggy I won’t be able to see a thing but to my surprise, the fog opened enigmatic visions that I knew existed somewhere in the dimensions my eyes were too unequipped to explore, things that once belonged to me but laid beyond the grasp of my fleeting memory, odors so familiar, so known but unregistered in the log of my senses, a life that I lived unaware of its existence, déjà vu. 

I reached for the door knob, my heart beating in my throat. I twisted the knob and felt my tendons pulling on my stretched muscles forcing them to obey the orders of my brain; my heart rebelled, feared and trembled. I thought of the times I reached this point and retreated many, many times. Sheer darkness, the air grew heavier with weight of whirling thoughts, whispers, memories and time. Time the solitary resident of the dark room. I didn’t know where to start unfolding it. The tangled knotted past, a present that has no name or the future with all its intriguing mysticism. I stood baffled, witness to the existence of a world that only saints and Sufi spoke about, too naïve to understand I struggled. I failed, I failed, I failed. I struggled. Its taste still tingling at the corner of my mouth; the taste of old wine. I took a drop and soared, touched the clouds and flipped my wings, in broad day light I flew above the eagles with my feet on ground. I traveled miles and crossed the oceans, I went there where I wanted to be and saw the one I wanted to see and spent ages there yet all the time it took was mere minutes, mere few. I want more; I want more from the fountain. Though I know it is washing away my desires, slowly secretly taking me somewhere above all that I wanted and want. A part of me is longing to take a draught but something whispers in me to be afraid. The whispers crowd me, “the dark room will swallow you, you will not be able to see beyond the fog, you will lose everything and everyone, who will accept what you will become, no one with their right state of mind will understand where you are, no hand will pull you out, you will be gone, you will never be able to put the soul back in its body, can you take and digest it you can’t, no one can, it is kept hidden not to be found, don’t cross the boundaries, there is no going back….don’t don’t”. But I find myself already standing there at the edge. I have the soul of God and the body of Devil. The soul paid the price, long enough for the sins of the body and all I am doing is letting it go, free. 

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body."  1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Love or Truth, they are in constant state of evolution. Love can only be as static as life itself. Truth, can only be as truthful as reality and reality, like life, is in constant state of motion too.

Evolution, it is this varying state that enjoys the rain but has to bear the harshness of sun for it to grow and keep growing. The seed has to burst,the pain is excruciating, at a point it seems like the end but the shoot is to be let out and the root, too. Every end is milestone to set a new beginning in motion. The erosion, the decay, the adversity and the pain are all there to carve a pathway leading to a higher state of existence. The cocoon has to remain enclosed, congested and captive in its own being. The price has to be paid.   

Vows

I have a million reasons to love you,

But not a word to tell you why...

If it were for your eyes so deep,

If it were for your voice so sweet,

I would know.

But when I look at you, all I see is your soul,

Staring back at mine
and the rest forgotten, vanished.

You spend your days in building palaces,

Digging gold and clearing streams,

Yet all I want from you is to lay with me,

Beneath the night sky and count the stars.

All I need is you for me; all I have is me for you.

I will give you all I have in me,

And I will try until I give you that too, what I might not have.

I will cross the oceans, walk the miles,

You say a word and I will make it happen,

I will take your pain; I will take your worries,

But I will never burden you with mine.

I want to spend my whole life and after,
sitting in your feet, staring at you, watching you talk,
My soul basks in the light of your thoughts.
I find myself, lose myself and find again
and I dont know if I am you or you are me!
Your words are food for my soul
In your presence, it grows
and in your absence, it withers, scatters away like a broken Rose.  

I kiss the floor where you step,

And I walk the path you might have strolled,

I see your face in every face

I hear your voice in every voice

Every time I have to take a name, I end up taking yours 

Every morning I wake up with your thoughts

Every night I close my eyes and find you standing there

And every single poem, every song, every word I write

I write for you !

Without your memories,

my pens are broken and my pages blank....

But still there are not enough ways for me to love you,

Love you, as much as I want to.

There are not enough words to say,

What I feel for you, in my every breath

All I have is a million reasons,

And not a word to tell you why. 

Incapable

I found a hole dug in deep,

So I filled it up with trash and litter.

I covered its mouth with stones and rocks,

I warned the passersby not to fall.

I stopped the rain from pouring in,

I stopped the puddles from forming.

I filled it up, I filled it full,

So nothing can spread its roots,

and nothing can grow.

I stood by it, I watched over,

As rain fell, struggled and died around it

I closed its mouth and closed it tight,

I filled it up, I filled it well.

Yet somehow, the breeze was muddy,

Yet somehow, the ground still wet,

Even though I filled it up,

The hole, still deep,

The hole still open,

breathes hollow ... in my chest.

Paradise

I stood amidst the silver trees and mountains lush and green

And sand white as snow, kissed my feet

I walked in the fields growing gold,

Beneath the crystal blue sky

And water emerald, sparkled like heavenly jewels

Angels sang the summer songs,

Whispering to the breeze

And brought with them the fragrance pure

Of roses, jasmine and lilies

I beheld the paradise yet my heart, ungrateful

For it knows the prettiest isn’t prettier than you

For it knows the purest isn’t purer than you

For it knows the sweetest voice doesn’t make it sing,  

For it knows heaven isn’t better than being with you

Amidst the silver trees, lush green mountains, emerald blues

I felt a desert in my chest,

I longed for you...

The Tribal Girl

Stepping lightly on the fallen ground,

I walk towards the edge of the sky.

My eyes fixed on the light,

Shinning on the other side,
Calling my name …

With every step,

I leave behind a world not worth living in.

With every step, I walk away,

Away from the burning trees,
Away from the eclipsed sun,
Away from the dying stars,
Away from the whirling thoughts.

The light is calling me,
To hold my hand,
and take me to the land,

Where our universe is not divided by tiny lines on the maps

A place, where only colors that matter, are rosy

Where only language spoken is music

A place, where orchids still bloom and rivers flow

Behind the curtain of thick clouds

A place, where,

on a lazy summer afternoon,
I will run my fingers through the grass,
And let the butterfly whisper to me.
I will run wild in the sunflower fields,
I will let my hair fly with the wind,
I won't care.

And I know I will find you there!

I will find you there,

Under the shade of a lonely tree,

Dressed in your grey tee and rugged jeans,
Reading a book, lost in the pages,

too busy to say a word,
but free, to hear them all
I will find you there…

But I won't talk,
I will just lay in your lap
While you read
I will stare at you.
I will smile again,
But my smile won’t send waves of pain in my heart
If I laugh, I won't fear
My laughter won’t be silenced by the stroke of reality.

And when the sun will set to rest,
we will chase the lighting bugs,
We will play,
And the trees will play with us,  

Like we are five again!
There won't be any one around to tell us what to do and don’t.
There won't be any one there to define the right or wrong.

There won’t be any odds, no worldly gods
No one to interfere
We will be free, you and me!
I will meet you there
I will meet you there...

The light is calling my name,
All I have to do is reach for it,
give my hand,

Walk to the other side,
And swollen eyes, broken heart, endless nights,
all will become ‘a thing of past’.

All I have to do is close my eyes, forever,
And memories will be relived, and will last.

I will meet you there,

On the other side, behind the clouds

At the edge of the sky,
Away from the pain and the loss.

I will meet you there…